hi i’m overwhelmed again (221026)

helloooo gosh it’s been a while! oops! if anyone does read these, i hope you’re doing well <3

so i’m in one of my everything is too much and it all feels like a lot and i have to stop everything i’m doing for however long my body decides moods :) well, actually, i’m on the tail end of that, thankfully. this isn’t the first time this has happened but it’s the first time i’ve really stopped to think about what exactly is happening. i won’t go into too much detail because i like to keep things private, not just online but in general tbh lol, but i’ve been thinking that i might struggle with a specific condition and it’s kind of been worrying me.

i’ve put off making a doctor’s appointment for a while because i sort of feel like i’m not going to be taken seriously and i don’t know which tricks to pull out of the bag to make them do so. i just think it’s so ridiculous how hard we have to try to be taken seriously about our medical health. you have to play up symptoms to get an appointment, don’t say this or make sure to say this in your appointment so you actually get the referral. i just don’t understand why the default when it comes to, well, let’s be real, women’s health, is always no you can’t possibly have that. and being a black woman on top of that just makes me not want to try at all.

anyway, although i feel like i’m coming out of the hole, there is still this lingering feeling i have that something is not quite right. at this point, i’m about 85% sure i have the thing i think i have and it’s almost kind of eating away at me. i just feel like it would explain so much and i would get some peace of mind from it. i just wish it wasn’t a talking point right now. i know the doctor is just going to assume i saw one tiktok and was like omg i have that! and i just can’t deal with that. i want to wait until this feeling passes so i can just sweep it under a rug somewhere in my mind lol but i think it’s going to take a long time or it won’t happen at all.

over the past few weeks i’ve been really busy trying to work on my substack and trying to actively promote it, which means social media (big groan). it’s always fun for a while but then it gets too much and i want to close everything down, delete all my accounts and do what i’m doing now, return to the basics, just a cute blog i made by myself where probably no one reads it (safe, quiet), read my books and play video games. the content creator life which was once perfect for me because i can do it from home and on my own terms (v big for me) and it’s creative suddenly becomes the worst thing ever and too much work, overwhelming and an ethics issue. i talk a lot (or used to anyway i don’t even know what i’ve been writing about recently) about getting offline and the joys of having hobbies so then it makes me feel like a hypocrite by having active social media accounts but then if i don’t how will i promote my substack and stop the numbers, paid and free, from falling every day. i just can’t do it anymore. i can’t do the cycle anymore. 

i’m not sure which version is me, the one who wants to lock in and be a content creator or the one who wants to just go to her part time job, do her hobbies and try and write some short stories every now and then. if you asked me a month ago i would have said the former, if you ask me now, i feel great relief in telling you the latter. so… i have no idea what to do. the thought of taking pictures and posting and doing all that makes me nauseous right now lol, but give it a couple of weeks and i’m probably going to be thinking, what was i talking about! i was just depressed, let’s do this! and the cycle continues.

okay i feel a bit better getting that off my chest actually. maybe i do hope someone reads this and can tell me what the frick is wrong with me :) it’s getting a bit much now. i would like to have a youtube channel and post to my substack weekly and not have to also use social media but even that can feel like a mountain to climb sometimes? the thought of making a youtube video right now feels like pulling teeth even though it’s just one long clip of me at my desk! and you might say okay maybe you just don’t like creating content but sometimes i do! i really love it! it’s just sometimes my mind and body are like no and i can’t do anything for weeks and eventually i start thinking yeah actually all of that stuff is pointless anyway and also you’re a hypocrite :)

!!!!

this is crazy long maybe i should bring this to a close. my mum is coming to visit me from london today so i have something to look forward to at least. i’m reading yesteryear at the moment and i’m not loving it but that’s something else. might try and squeeze in a video game before she arrives too. also i tried out a new layout for my weekly spread in my journal which i’m liking! i’ll post a picture in my photos tab at some point.

okay i’m gonna go. thanks for reading all this if you did omg. byeeeee <3 

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

(note from 25.10: i did some gratitude journaling today and realised, apart from the thing i want to go to the gp about, things aren't that deep and i have a lot to be grateful for, i need to chill haha.)