230426

hey hey

so update, i'm feeling so much better. i haven't posted on substack in nearly three weeks i think? i'm not keeping count. and the pressure i have been feeling for the past couple of months is virtually gone. i didn't feel too much pressure with youtube but i haven't posted there either. i just haven't really been online. funnily enough i've been on tiktok, mostly to follow up on the memes my friends send me but my feed has realised what stage of life i am in right now and i've leared so much.

i realised that, for the past few years, i have been focusing on the wellbeing of my mind and completely forgot about my body. i love my hobbies, i love journaling and self reflection but i didn't give a second thought to nourishing my body and doing things to make sure it was also feeling good. when i went to the dentist, he asked me if i clenched my jaw and i think that was the moment that really opened things up for me. i realised that my body is actually quite tense in a lot of places and i haven't been making an effort to alleviate any of that. if anything i've been making it worse by over exercising.

so now i have found myself on this new journey. i quit the high intensity cardio workouts and pilates (i pushed myself so hard i injured my chest and back muscles and couldn't move for a day). now i'm focusing soley on yoga, healing my nervous system and being more gentle with myself. even during yoga, i used to push myself into poses that i clearly wasn't ready for. i would always want to be perfect and that's just not what yoga is about at all. i love using the downdog app which lets you tailor your sessions with specific filters. someone tell me why i immediately went to intermediate 1 after not practicing yoga for years. i have since turned that filter right back down to beginner 1 and giving myself the opportunity to truly start again from scratch. i am giving myself grace going into poses, if i need to readjust, i do so. if i need to step out and come back into a pose, i do so. i am not bad or a flop for doing so. yoga has already taught me so much about myself, i'm quite harsh on myself! i expect too much of myself. so now it's time to turn that around.

since learning about the nervous system and beginning to meditate and practice qigong (love!), i don't want to mindlessly step into these cultural and sacred practices. so i went to the library the other day and took out loads of books on yoga and meditation. i want my practices to be authentic and i actually want to learn how to do these things properly, respect the culture and philosophy behind it and learn about it because i'm genuinely interested. i'd love to dive deeper into yoga philosophy and what's beyond yoga asana (the physical poses) and more into what it looks like as a lifestyle. so much to learn! so excited!

i have been working on a substack piece but it doesn't feel quite right yet and i love that i can take my time with it. i'm not aiming to get it out this sunday or whatever. but i also like that i can just ramble here and it doesn't need to be perfect. i think about this website a lot to be honest. i think it's a space i should be more often. and now that i'm reading again, i can finally update the books section lol.

okay that's probably enough from me for now. if anyone's here, thanks for reading!!

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵