220326

hiii, it's been a while. i have been feeling really overwhelmed lately and i think this is the best place to get all my feelings out.

i have been struggling so much with my online profiles and it's annoying because i literally don't care. i joined substack because i thought it was fun and it would be a good way to get me writing again, but then i gained a load of subscribers which at first i loved but now i'm starting to realise may not have been so great. because now i have found myself no longer writing for me but for others. i constantly think about what will perform well, and if something doesn't then i get so upset about it. this is not who i wanted to become.

my subscribers have been falling since january and there is no way to find out why. i've been racking my brain trying to figure out how i can make it stop, why everyone else seems to be doing so well but me and it has made me feel so overwhelmed and depressed. my mood has been on the floor for a while now and i hate it. i hate how much i have started to care about the numbers when it was never about that.

i've seen so many posts and a video about this sort of thing. being an artist, sharing it online, starting to make an income and growing a big audience and then becoming caught up in the numbers. maybe it's just huaman nature to want to see numbers go up i don't know. but what i do know is that numbers instantly kill the fun. the love. the passion. everyone eventually realises that actually the lack of an audience is the greatest frededom. i did have moments where i wanted to pack up the substack and start again to be honest but i don't think i need to do all that. i've just turned off stats and taken it off my profile and honestly that has lifted the weight already. i'm hoping i don't make the same mistakes with youtube.

i think i need to start seeing my substack and even my youtube as hobbies, not as potential income. sure it would be nice but that is not the goal. any money i make from these platforms will be like finding a tenner on the pavement. i'm actually so tired of trying to "make things work" "be successful" i just want to live bro. i want to write books! am i doing any of that, no.

it's the end of march now and i haven't written another short story. i've had such busy weeks doing everything but the one thing i want to do. i'm frustrating myself. but spring has only just begun, it's okay, now is the perfect time to start all the things i want to do.

admitting all of this finally, after weeks of rumination and doubt and depression, feels like i'm turning a new corner. i wish i could materialise that in some way. i just did a desk refresh actually, maybe that could be it lol. i definitely need a break from substack, i think that would be the most effective thing right now. and that sounds really nice. i know the type of writing i want to do there now too so that should make things feel a little better also. and wrting this here, on a public place (even though i have no idea how many people even look at this site lol) makes it feel a little more real too.

i am no longer chasing "success" on these platforms. they are just for fun!!!

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵